Waterworks 'R' Us...

I can't stop crying. My conscience feels HUGE tonight. The weight of the entire fricken world is on my shoulders. It's hard to breathe, and I have a massive migraine. I feel like my arms are compeletely numb. My body is having some sort of phsiological warfare with my nervous sysemt.

Distress. So many thoughts...

Tomorrow, we are putting Charlie down.

I am in emotional crisis zone.

My sister is away.

If I call my beloved Aunt one more time - she is going to bypass code orange completely and move straight from yellow to code red.

All kinds of strange things have popped into my head over the last two day. This cat. My baby.

I didn't take enough pictures of him over the years.
I didn't feed him enough pounce.
I shouldn't have subjected him to a second cat.
I should have paid the $1,400 for an operation.
I never spent the time to capture the essence of what makes him so damn unique.
He's was so cute when he was plump. I wish I had taken more pictures then...
My neice will never remember him.
My mom never got to say good-bye.
I wish I'd taken him outside more - his one big joy in life.
I should have cuddled him more in the last year.
I should have said 'I hate cats' less in the last year. *sometimes you know things are around the corner, and you try to prepare yourself...
I wish he wouldn't look at me with that 'plea' in his eye..like I can fix everything
I hope my husband doesn't hate me for not being present tomorrow.
I wish I didn't feel so evil. selfish. unloving. so guilty.
I wish I could hold him without shaking tonight. Give him comfort.
I wish I could stop having anxiety attacks over this.
I wish it was 6 months from tomorrow..and I had distance and perspective.
Will I remember him the same way in a year?


What a mess. Wishes don't matter. They are worth nothing.

I really haven't had that baby desire come back in a long time. I wonder if it will?

This hurts so bad. The pain is just. Overwhelming.

>^..^<