I AM MISSING CHARLIE TODAY.

>^..^<

HOLY BOOKS BATMAN!!! Who Knocked over a Librarian?

BOOKS GALORE

MY MAN IS THE ABSOLUTE MOSTEST!!!

Going through, and coming out of somewhat of a nervous breakdown / exhaustion. Had some extremely tough days followed by some scarey physical manifestations of said stress.

I come home from work the next evening to find my husband has a virtual cart full of books on Amazon for me waiting to hit the approve button. We are talking mondo books. Even some hardcover books. I love books. Books make me happy. My hubby makes me deliriously happy. Sigh.....

I always like to keep a list of books I am interested in. I love to read book reviews, and get all frustrated when I can't remember that cool book I read about at the Dr's / Hairdressers / Dentist. So now, I am keeping a post it not on my computer of books I want.

My baby bought the whole list for me!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yipppeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been obsessing over the 'Million Little Pieces' Book. All the reviews ecstatically emphasize how powerful this book is. So powerful that the city was wiped out! I finally got my hands on it now. The first two chapters have me hooked. I actually can't believe I am here blogging - I've got books to read damn it!

I just wanted to take time to check in before I head off to bookland.

And rave about my baby. He's bombastic.


My list of Booty:

"A Million Little Pieces (Oprah's Book Club)"James Frey
*Started it - LOVING IT. Need perspective? Starting to take your fellow humans for granted (or youself)? Find your humanity - read this book stat.
"Running with Scissors"Augusten Burroughs
"The Next Big Thing"Johanna Edwards
"The Glass Castle : A Memoir"Jeannette Walls
"Everyone Worth Knowing"Lauren Weisberger
"The Devil Wears Prada: a Novel"Lauren Weisberger
"Valley of the Dolls"Jacqueline Susann



A Dilemma....

So... I have a problem. I may have 'unintentionally' flirted with my previous employer. I have a phone meeting with them on Friday. Panic mode. I don't know what I am going to say.

It's kinda like this...

Imagine your in high school. You dated this cute boy. Great Hair, great teeth, solid background, knew exactly where he was going, how he was getting there and when. Let's say you dated for two semesters. But by the end of the second semester. You were really sick of the friends he was desperately hanging onto - despite the way they screwed him over continuously. You were sick of the way he chewed his food. You were sick of him taking advantage of you all the time, cuz he knew you were sure to put out when asked. And maybe his Dad was - a bit spineless and quick to dismiss you. He loved you. So did his Dad. But they thought you were a constant fixture and you wanted some shit to change or you were leaving his ass. So you got a better offer - and ditched him just after the prom. Some bitterness. Some surprise. Real Dissappointment.

You left your sure (but frustrating) thing for Billy Betterboy. Wrong side of the tracks kind of kid, but from an old family. Lot's of money to waste. Disorganized. Chaotic. No sense of direction. Everything about this guy is ass backwards. His friends are DRAMATIC and he always has you running from one ditch to the next. He really has a hard time making up his mind and sticking to a decision....and his Dad. His Dad is a used car salesman who is dedicated to micro managing your relationship. He calls you 3-5 times a day and writes you big blobby emails. With no paragraphs and a great deal of exclamation marks. Sometimes bolded and in 20pt font. Lucky you. You never know what his agenda is, but you always have a feeling it's not about your best interests. Billy and his Dad are giving you anxiety and an ulcer. And they are strongly impeding your ability to have balance and make babies. Because - you can't even go there you are so wound up.

What to do? Go back to bachelor #1? You know his flaws, but he's going places. And you might have patience and perspective now to let the small stuff roll off your back. And the confidence to stick to your guns and not put up with crap. Or do you stick with Billy. Billy and his Dad. His Dad - the carcinogen himself.

Or Maybe you haul you ass out and start dating various members of the football team. or maybe some jocks from other sports...get some variety in your dating experience.

Big questions to ask myself. I don't know what I will do. I hate retail - I mean dating. I'm so damn good at it though. Urgghhhh.


A NEW CALMING TECHNIQUE - CHANNELING THE JOB I SECRETLY DESIRE...

My new passion is driving to work and imagining I am going to my job as a Safeway cashier.

Safeway - the land of milk and honey. No, it really is. Literally.

Ahhhh, the Bliss of it. I even practice the transaction steps to Big J (He thinks I'm nuts):

"Hi" (Optional)
"Find Everything Okay?" (Also Optional)
"Milk in a Bag?"
"Airmilesclubcard?" (This is best said as if it is all one word. Savestimeorsomethin')
"Have a Nice Day"... (Also Optional)


MY GOD IF ONLY I COULD SAY THOSE WORDS OVER AND OVER AND NEVER HAVE TO ACTUALLY MAKE A DECISION FOR ANYONE.....I WOULDN'T EVEN GET PHONE CALLS FROM MY BOSS EVERY DAY. NICE. :)




Cat News

Just a side note - I am feeling better about the cat. We got his ashes home. That was good. I'm glad we did it. The Vet was very confident that it was cancer when J took him in at the end. I am relieved we didn't spend the $1400 on exploratory surgery. What a waste his last days would have been. Miss him terribly. We have got to stop leaving our dark clothing laying around. We each keep thinking it's him. That part is very sad.

What's more said is I miss that little bastard standing on me all night. I miss it all. He was so damn cute.



I loooovee you Charlie Charlie >^..^<

The Story of Charlie Charlie >^..^<

THE STORY OF CHARLIE THE TUXEDO CAT:

Charlie came to us via my fave Aunt, Ria. She lived on the outskirts of the city, near the rougher neighborhoods. Somehow, this little Holstein cat latched on to her, and wormed his way into her life. My aunt had three cats all ready. Her husband - not particularly cat friendly.

She decided this nice boy was too sweet to surrender to the pound. He had a tattoo in his ear, but it was very difficult to decipher. She worked on it while volunteering at the humane society, and finally came up with a string of contacts. He had been passed from owner to owner until he ended up about a 30 minute drive from the city limits. Lived in the country. The problem with him was...he wandered. They decided they would not like him back, and asked her to surrender him to the shelter. She had other ideas. I was a sucker who needed another cat. A cat with a white mustache named Charlie. About the fifth black and white cat in a succession of black and whites in my childhood. But none of them had a mustache. nor did they appear to be wearing a tuxedo.

So we get Charlie home. Home was with my parents...Big J and I were dating, but hadn't moved out yet. Home was not a nice place by any stretch of the imagination. But having this little lover of a cat really helped get me through some very lonely times. He has sopped up more tears with his fur than any stuffed animal I have ever had.

The other cat, Frisco was nasty. He lived for stalking Charlie and biting him in the ass. Oh that cat was just a grouch - he would attack us too. He thought he was the shit. But he was just a big fat bugger and Charlie had his number. When Frisco would chase Charlie, Charlie would run and jump through the stairway rails. And Frisco would get stuck. Othertimes, Charlie would run to the top of the stairs and gracefully land on the thin railing at the top. Frisco would flop right over.

Finally, Big J and I moved out and Charlie got some peace. Young and stuggling, we lived in cheap ass basement suites for the first few years. Poor Charlie longed for window that could open. He was constantly looking out the window, wishing he was "side". When we would take him for walks, at the great risk of looking like complete retards and getting beat up by our neighbors, we'd say "Charlie - wanna go 'side?" and he would come straight to the door and flop over. When he was happy and truly in his element - he was prone to flopping over. Sometimes with hilarious results.

He escaped a lot. I don't know how we never lost him. I remember one time, at the last place I we rented, I thought he was lost to us. I even made up posters...only to find him a couple hours later lost and meowing his ass off at the other end of the complex. What a bastard. And I thought I had cried hard then.

Another time, same place, we didn't realize he had even escaped. Jer and I are sitting watching TV in the dark. There was a very bright 'street light' out front of our condo. The curtains were closed, and we notice this shadow of a cat on the window ledge. I open the window, and start laughing at how closely it looks like our cat...Charlie? Where is Charlie? Oh shit...That is Charlie. He had been out there for hours! We lived by two very busy streets. I can't believe we didn't lose him.

Charlie is the biggest lap slut on the planet. The few times we have had people over, he just goes from lap to lap to lap. Always with the but in the face. And he's not embarrassed to intrude and make an ass of himself. We are all his territory after all.

He likes to ride the office chair. Charlie has this passion for a chair Jer brought into our relationship. It's your everyday student chair, with a tweedy fabric cover. Charlie always liked to jump up on it and pretend to sharpen his claws on the backrest. MDH discovered that he enjoyed it just that much better if you spun the chair. He would actually jump up and wait for you to spin it. Such a funloving cat.

Passionate about rubber bands. I haven't ever heard of this before - but my cat would go gaga over rubbers. Anything rubber, but let us stick with the band story. One time, we had this horrible room mate. Friend of Big J's. His brother (Good kid - told Jeremy I had a nice ass once. Forever in my good books) left his jacket on our couch upstairs, and went downstairs to hang out with his brother. His pockets had holes in them. I came into the livingroom to find my cat completely stuck in the lining of his jacket! The loot? a handful of rubber bands that the coats owner hadn't ever realized were there.

Charlie meowed constantly for wet food - even though we never fed it too him (except for thanksgiving and xmas, cuz it's only fair they get their turkey too!). Man that cat could hear you open a can of soup though. And it you were taking a small plate for a sandwich - he would assume that was for his wet food too. But call him while he was napping - and you would be lucky if he even opened an eye.

He had this heart stopping habit of standing on top of me. He always had to be on me. Jer he could lie beside. Me he had to stand lie or sit on. He loved to stand on my chest while I slept with his little cat face inches from mine. He knew eventually, his caustic breath would cause me to stir. And I would open my eyes, only to be startled half to death. I think he secretly relished being flung through the air.

I'll really miss my little friend. I can think of times when I have been so miserable and desolate, and he would sense it. He'd come along and purr his little heart out, force me to love him. And it's hard to remain feeling so bleak when he would be so damn content. I really believe there are times he saved my life. I wish I could have repaid the favour.

Cheers to a damn fine cat.

>^..^<

Waterworks 'R' Us...

I can't stop crying. My conscience feels HUGE tonight. The weight of the entire fricken world is on my shoulders. It's hard to breathe, and I have a massive migraine. I feel like my arms are compeletely numb. My body is having some sort of phsiological warfare with my nervous sysemt.

Distress. So many thoughts...

Tomorrow, we are putting Charlie down.

I am in emotional crisis zone.

My sister is away.

If I call my beloved Aunt one more time - she is going to bypass code orange completely and move straight from yellow to code red.

All kinds of strange things have popped into my head over the last two day. This cat. My baby.

I didn't take enough pictures of him over the years.
I didn't feed him enough pounce.
I shouldn't have subjected him to a second cat.
I should have paid the $1,400 for an operation.
I never spent the time to capture the essence of what makes him so damn unique.
He's was so cute when he was plump. I wish I had taken more pictures then...
My neice will never remember him.
My mom never got to say good-bye.
I wish I'd taken him outside more - his one big joy in life.
I should have cuddled him more in the last year.
I should have said 'I hate cats' less in the last year. *sometimes you know things are around the corner, and you try to prepare yourself...
I wish he wouldn't look at me with that 'plea' in his eye..like I can fix everything
I hope my husband doesn't hate me for not being present tomorrow.
I wish I didn't feel so evil. selfish. unloving. so guilty.
I wish I could hold him without shaking tonight. Give him comfort.
I wish I could stop having anxiety attacks over this.
I wish it was 6 months from tomorrow..and I had distance and perspective.
Will I remember him the same way in a year?


What a mess. Wishes don't matter. They are worth nothing.

I really haven't had that baby desire come back in a long time. I wonder if it will?

This hurts so bad. The pain is just. Overwhelming.

>^..^<

Something Strange.....

Wow. I had a most bizarre feeling today - I needed my Mom.


I haven't felt that way in a very long time. My mom is not someone you go to for support...She has her own issues that she can't seem to either acknowledge or deal with.

I was driving to a much needed spa appointment and it just slugged me in the gut. I needed my mommy. It was 1pm, so the chances of her being on her way to utter and total inebriation were pretty high. But there I was, driving in my car, feeling the beginning twinges of an anxiety attack coming on - and my instinct to call my mother popped up.

You know, there is some sort of physiological response to hearing you mother's voice. It doesn't matter how much crap has been flung between you in your relationship. When you are low and feeling insecure, and your mom says 'what is wrong'. Man. You can almost see in your mind, the fissures in the emotional damn cracking.

I had decided not to tell her about the cat. It's part of the alcoholism, but my mom is an emotional woman. She can also be a ball buster and will use your emotions over something to get buy in with you. So you don't tell her stuff like that till you are in a place to keep your emotions in check.

But I couldn't help it. This is big. Like all big emotional things in my life, I guess it all just came down to the primal urge to have my mommy hold me and tell me everything is going to be all right.

Right now, I really need that reassurance. Nothing feels safe for me anymore. Nothing. I'm am not one to get depressed. Truly, I believe in finding a shovel and digging your way out of the weeds. I am starting to realize that it's not always easy when the muck of life piles up all at the same time. I wish there was someone like minded as myself to tell me to get over it and get my shit together. I really need a kick in the ass more than anything.

I always remember when my Grampa died. I was devastated. Inconsolable. Just a complete wreck. I couldn't figure out how everyone was getting on with life. I just couldn't see a way out of the depression... Then my uncle Richie, my favourite man in my life (after my husband), said "Lee, You have to let him go kiddo. Don't wallow in it. Let it go - because you need to go on living".

Those words stuck with me...'Don't wallow in it'. Sometimes those words get me through the day, and the week, and the month. In fact, they will probably get me through this extremely crappy year. And certainly, they will get me through December. It was so potent for me, because they were exactly the words I needed to hear at the very exact moment I needed to hear them. He probably doesn't even remember saying them. But they certainly resonated with me. God I love that man.

How do you say goodbye to a loyal companion?

Sad news. I can barely type it. I'm putting my cat down on Tuesday. I've had him since before Jer and I moved in together. This is a very sad time for me.

I really have been trying to get back to my happy place this year, trying to bring 2005 to my will as the year I was going to get back to being happy. Hasn't really happened for me.

There's the baby issues, the job issues and now I have to lose the closest thing I have to a baby...my charlie charlie.

It's really a crazy thing. To get so attached to animals. I have always been an animal lover. Had though I would go into animal health care. Volunteered at the Calgary Humane Society to make sure it was going to be a fit for me. So wasn't. I am just not made of the stuff that lets you put unborn kittens to sleep while they are still in the womb. It just ripped my heart out.

Now I am in this place where I have to put my own special boy down. It's tearing my heart out. I know it's only a cat. I tell myself that over and over. My heart just doesn't seem to be able to get over that fact.

CharlieCharlie. He's been such a joy! Always more than a cat. Almost our baby. Love to sit on the office chair and get spun. Smelly shoe available? Constantly with his head stuck instide and 'flopped' over. Love to lay beside you and straddle our arm while we stroked his chest or stomach. Always offerring up the best view of his ass at the most unopportune moments. (This is how cats say 'I love you'. It's a sign of submissiveness) I'm really going to miss the boy. He's been sick for a couple months now. Big J and I think he's starting to suffer now, and we can't bear to watch it anymore. It's hard to play God and make this decision. It's uncomfortable. Like there is someone standing behind me and pressing down on my shoulders. At night, I feel like someone is standing on my chest. I mean, if I can't deal with a cat - how in the hell do I expect to deal with this stuff as a parent?

Hard to answer. Just need to keep looking within myself.

My aunt thinks I should hold Charlie when they put him down. I can't do it. I just have a running picture of all the animals I've held before...and I know I can't let my Charlie cloud my head and my heart with them. He's special...and I don't want him to be part the anguish I hold from that prior experience. I think Jer is going to do it. I love my husband. He's really taken on the whole load with the cat. I think he resents it a smidge, but does it because he loves me. My inability to be the supporter through this makes me feel like a loser.


My sister is going to have her baby in a few months. It's a boy. I think they have decided on Tyler. I wish they could live next door to me so my life would feel fuller. Full of children. Happier moments.

I'm not even going to discuss work. I have been hating my job for awhile now. Sometimes I think it is seriously going to crush me.