Google me silly - couldn't have put it to poetry any better

Hmmm....I was Just Googled the Ex BFF's name and this poem popped up. Portions of it really resonated with me - reflecting what I feel about the whole relationship. It is funny how you have childhood friends, you lives kinda split apart as they get filled with other people, responsibilities and experiences. When you are young - you are so niave and passionate that your friends will be with you forever. When life intervines it becomes a choice between them and family. Here it is:


"I cannot be in your future
since the road exploded
in a shower of directions...
my mind vibrates
a parade of faces
and your face
is not there...
your life duplicated many times
until you would not recognize
the patterns that replaced you...
it is as if time entered the scales
shining on the sea of memory
and consumed itself in a white flash."

Excerpt from Peace Ants - 1968
T.L. Kryss

>^..^<

ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooTastic!!!

Went to the Zoolights yesterday with Ria and the boys. It was fun! It was a pretty nice evening out - but the weather was deceiving. There was certainly a chill after you were out in the slight breeze for awhile.

I bought the boys a couple of glow bracelets. They thought it was pretty neat. We drank hot chocolates, played with hay and did a maze. Andy is quite impressed with mazes - he thought it was fantastic. I was pretty impressed with how well the hay was going over. Just load a bunch of kids in a corral with a bunch of hay - and endless amusement ensues. It was amazing. I hope the hey was clean...

Forgot our cameras - had to take the pics with the new camera phone. They are not very beautiful....but you can get the drift...





Went to church on Christmas Eve...

Big J calls the Centre Street Church the 'Bomb Shelter' church. They used to be in this pepto-bismal pink stucco building with no windows. Very weird looking for a church. Now they are relocated into what I like to call the 'Mall of America' building. It was ginormous! Too big for me. I really didn't like the service. I was looking for the spirit of Christmas - Christ. Instead we walk in and it's all about "Fear". I think they were campaigning to get some sinners on board for 2006. It was creeeepy. And that was before we ran into the stalker.

My ex BFF was there with her woman-beating, braindead husband. She totally shunned me (deservedly so...I never returned any of her numerous phone calls after a disasterous outing with her),but she was slobbering all over my sister!!!! So ofcourse Cor, and admitted people pleaser gets trapped yapping toher for 5 minutes (They even frickin hugged!!! Like, way to cut it short Cor) Anyway, the whole scenario made me think about something. I'm a protector. If someone my family was on the outs with a person, and that person came up to me, I wouldn't hug them. I would be polite, civil and briefbut that's it man. I wouldn't be lettin' them use me to build up their little wedge!. That is what I think was happening. As I said, the ex BFF is stalking my family (hence her decision to go to my dad's church looking for us, as she admitted to Cor when she ran into her previously), and I think she is trying to keep some kind of creepy tie going. To rub it in to me? I guess so. Is it working? Well, it irked me (a few days after the fact) - so I guess so! Grrr. That bitch. When is she going to move away and keep her frizzy mop-top hed out of my life?! Errrr - now I am aggrevated. I just want nothingness from her. No speaking to my family. Nothing. No calls, threats, manipulation, nothin. I gave her like 15 years of my life. And it was hell. I'm done.

My sister is too sweet. I really don't care about the ex BFF, but don't manipulate my sister to your twisted end!!! For crying out loud. Skank.



Yep, even I can be petty sometimes.
It may be a form of passive-aggressiveness,
but it does take the steam off. By the way,
this picture was taken while she was on the tiolet. :)

~New Auntie ~

Tyler - born sometime in December (I'm a very bad Aunt....hey at least I remember that it was a few weeks ago). We aren't sure who he looks like. I think maybe Kerry should inspect the neighbours. ;)




Peanut Butter Heaven

Now, some people out there are questioning how on earth I can be having a Hot'nHeavy love affair with a peanut butter shake. Let me tell you - this girl is having more O's with that thing than I'm getting at home. Thank you DQ for making a girl very, very satisfied. :))))))

>^..^<

It's good to give!

YAAAAYYYYYY!!!!! I Gave Blood Today for the Very First Time!

It feels good. I won't be able to do it when I start the fertility goods. But I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I brought Big J, my trusty sidekick. All was well and we got cookies and juice at the end to boot.


:))))))))))))))

The Christmas Card Selection

Drum Roll Please.... Ta Da! Here it is - Our 2005 Annual Christmas Card.

And - I am 37.5% finished getting them ready to mail out. Fantastic!

Now that I look at them...they seem sort of asian don't they? Especially when you consider the red back ground is Velour flocked. But they are quite pretty. All the flowers are sparkley. I am a sucker for any Christmas card with a Sparkley-ness quotient. Ahhhh...so festive.


Feliz Navidad and Joyeux Noel!


>^..^<








*Those Post-its sticking out inthe background - they're festive too damn it!

KeEp ThAt TuRkEy StUfFed TiLl JaNuArY!

Okay. I have been very busy today trying to organize myself for Christmas card season. Yes - I do mean Christmas card season. The preparation and creativity that goes into getting the cards out, and dealing with what comes in makes this GINORMOUS. An event this big should theoretically be a season in it's own. Infact, it is my whole hearted belief that this task should be removed from the Christmas calendar of event completely, and relegated into November instead.

If we made a seaon out of it, losers like my sis and myself would never be late with our Christmas cards again! Infact, she and I have both been so late with our card mailings that we have left fully addressed stacks of cards unmailed. (TIP FOR LATE MAILERS - Never date your cards. Just in case!)

I'm tellin' ya: November 1 to 15 "CHRISTMAS CARD SEASON"
The Deal - You must have all your cards addressed and mailed by the 15th. No exceptions
The Penalty - You phone number goes out to ever telemarketer on the block. Not stiff enough to keep you inline? Fine. Nothing but 'PeNissss EnlarrrrrgeeeeMent - Freeee3' emails in your email box for the next year. ;)

Side Note of Worth: Corie was so late mailing her wedding invites, people that were invited, close family members were not sure if they were invited! It's a disease. From the 'Wharry' side. :)

I have been at this Christmas Card prep for about four hours now. I have yet to even crack open the box of Christmas cards. To shorten a long store and bridge what is my most important takeaway from this experience, here is a rundown of my time management through the process:

1. Turn on CPU (why I don' know...I'm hand writing them. Just seems necessary for some reason.)
2. Begin 'Address Book Search Olympiad 2005'. This happened last year too. It always takes approximately 1 hr. before it dawns on me to check the places where I stash my 'card writing paraphenailia'. Ahhh - new record this year. 1 hr. 38 mins. Nice. Where was it? On top of 3 unused boxed of Xmas cards.
3. Took place in midst of A.B.S. Olympics: Begin handwriting all addresses anew.
4. Ditch step 3 - who the hell handwrites anymore? Get the PDA desktop open and start writing down contact names
5. Go to the sources that would have the larges selections on hand to cover off your list. Leave messages. Those buggers aren't home - they aren't beggining their xmas card fiasco until December 12th. (Poor Aunt Susie in Texas. Receives all her Canadian xmas cards for Boxing day...)
6. Idea! Add some new names that deserve to see your finely selected xmas card offering (If only they could also share the glee of knowing that this fine selection was also bought in January on sale. AND IT WAS A STEAL!)
7. Reminisce about the elbowing and black eye earned while flinging xmas cards around the table at Chaprter with the other Boxing Day shoppers. Get a twinkle in your eye as you plan your attack on your fellow bargain hunters this year... (Pssst....where do I buy brass knuckles and mace?)
8. Have an epiphany as you recollect your assortment of Christmas Card Trophies... I mean selections. Maybe....you left the address book among the cards from last years 'Christmast Card Festivities'.
9. Dance with Glee as you clutch the beloved book with the addresses you seek.
10. Swear profusely as all your Hello Kitty and tropical fish stickers fall out. (Yes, I know I am not 9 anymore)
11. Race back to your warm and welcoming computer. Begin to enter addresses.
12. Also enter birthdays for every contact. You need to get all over birthdays again this year. You used to be the walking calendar.
13. Feel ashamed of you lack of follow through - as you see a couple years of old birthday cards peek out of the address book (It's also an organizer - not that it's helped of late.)
14. Go back and set alarms for each entry. Now you will be able to wish everyone a brthday 7 days in advance. Oh you superiour Monkey you!
15. Notice that January is the only month without a single event in it.....
16. Decide to spend another hour blogging about point 15....

KEEPIN' IT REAL (REAL STUFFED THAT IS!)

So Here we are at the point of this blog finally.

I have an absolutely SMASHING IDEA!!!!!!!!

It requires audience participation. Well. Only from one of you. Ahem...specifically the Cubmeister. All Corie needs to do is keep herself stuffed with my nephew until January. She's due the middle of December, but hey - what is 2 or three more weeks? Nothing! The little 'Ty Guy' is all homey in his cozy womb. He can camp out a bit longer! Like I'm not saying far into January. I mean...26 is my favourite number...but like I don't wanna be selfish here.

Oh - I know! We need a goal. Since we are now aiming for January (You've agreed right Cor?)- let's be the first baby of 2006!!! And we can have the Herald and the Sun photographers in the delivery room as Cubby shoots the little guy out!!! What the hell - we can even invite the radio station. This is the first baby of 2006 - we gotta go big or go home right!?

Man I am pumped for this. I've forgotten all about the Xmas card festivities by this point. I am moving on to planning mode for Tyler's 'Coming out of the Cub Party' WoooHooo!!!!!

Hey Cor - I'll call Cjay for you and request Gerry Forbes to be in attendance. You better tell Kerry and his Mom that there's not gonna be space in the room for them. ;-)

Love Ya!

>^..^<

I AM MISSING CHARLIE TODAY.

>^..^<

HOLY BOOKS BATMAN!!! Who Knocked over a Librarian?

BOOKS GALORE

MY MAN IS THE ABSOLUTE MOSTEST!!!

Going through, and coming out of somewhat of a nervous breakdown / exhaustion. Had some extremely tough days followed by some scarey physical manifestations of said stress.

I come home from work the next evening to find my husband has a virtual cart full of books on Amazon for me waiting to hit the approve button. We are talking mondo books. Even some hardcover books. I love books. Books make me happy. My hubby makes me deliriously happy. Sigh.....

I always like to keep a list of books I am interested in. I love to read book reviews, and get all frustrated when I can't remember that cool book I read about at the Dr's / Hairdressers / Dentist. So now, I am keeping a post it not on my computer of books I want.

My baby bought the whole list for me!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yipppeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been obsessing over the 'Million Little Pieces' Book. All the reviews ecstatically emphasize how powerful this book is. So powerful that the city was wiped out! I finally got my hands on it now. The first two chapters have me hooked. I actually can't believe I am here blogging - I've got books to read damn it!

I just wanted to take time to check in before I head off to bookland.

And rave about my baby. He's bombastic.


My list of Booty:

"A Million Little Pieces (Oprah's Book Club)"James Frey
*Started it - LOVING IT. Need perspective? Starting to take your fellow humans for granted (or youself)? Find your humanity - read this book stat.
"Running with Scissors"Augusten Burroughs
"The Next Big Thing"Johanna Edwards
"The Glass Castle : A Memoir"Jeannette Walls
"Everyone Worth Knowing"Lauren Weisberger
"The Devil Wears Prada: a Novel"Lauren Weisberger
"Valley of the Dolls"Jacqueline Susann



A Dilemma....

So... I have a problem. I may have 'unintentionally' flirted with my previous employer. I have a phone meeting with them on Friday. Panic mode. I don't know what I am going to say.

It's kinda like this...

Imagine your in high school. You dated this cute boy. Great Hair, great teeth, solid background, knew exactly where he was going, how he was getting there and when. Let's say you dated for two semesters. But by the end of the second semester. You were really sick of the friends he was desperately hanging onto - despite the way they screwed him over continuously. You were sick of the way he chewed his food. You were sick of him taking advantage of you all the time, cuz he knew you were sure to put out when asked. And maybe his Dad was - a bit spineless and quick to dismiss you. He loved you. So did his Dad. But they thought you were a constant fixture and you wanted some shit to change or you were leaving his ass. So you got a better offer - and ditched him just after the prom. Some bitterness. Some surprise. Real Dissappointment.

You left your sure (but frustrating) thing for Billy Betterboy. Wrong side of the tracks kind of kid, but from an old family. Lot's of money to waste. Disorganized. Chaotic. No sense of direction. Everything about this guy is ass backwards. His friends are DRAMATIC and he always has you running from one ditch to the next. He really has a hard time making up his mind and sticking to a decision....and his Dad. His Dad is a used car salesman who is dedicated to micro managing your relationship. He calls you 3-5 times a day and writes you big blobby emails. With no paragraphs and a great deal of exclamation marks. Sometimes bolded and in 20pt font. Lucky you. You never know what his agenda is, but you always have a feeling it's not about your best interests. Billy and his Dad are giving you anxiety and an ulcer. And they are strongly impeding your ability to have balance and make babies. Because - you can't even go there you are so wound up.

What to do? Go back to bachelor #1? You know his flaws, but he's going places. And you might have patience and perspective now to let the small stuff roll off your back. And the confidence to stick to your guns and not put up with crap. Or do you stick with Billy. Billy and his Dad. His Dad - the carcinogen himself.

Or Maybe you haul you ass out and start dating various members of the football team. or maybe some jocks from other sports...get some variety in your dating experience.

Big questions to ask myself. I don't know what I will do. I hate retail - I mean dating. I'm so damn good at it though. Urgghhhh.


A NEW CALMING TECHNIQUE - CHANNELING THE JOB I SECRETLY DESIRE...

My new passion is driving to work and imagining I am going to my job as a Safeway cashier.

Safeway - the land of milk and honey. No, it really is. Literally.

Ahhhh, the Bliss of it. I even practice the transaction steps to Big J (He thinks I'm nuts):

"Hi" (Optional)
"Find Everything Okay?" (Also Optional)
"Milk in a Bag?"
"Airmilesclubcard?" (This is best said as if it is all one word. Savestimeorsomethin')
"Have a Nice Day"... (Also Optional)


MY GOD IF ONLY I COULD SAY THOSE WORDS OVER AND OVER AND NEVER HAVE TO ACTUALLY MAKE A DECISION FOR ANYONE.....I WOULDN'T EVEN GET PHONE CALLS FROM MY BOSS EVERY DAY. NICE. :)




Cat News

Just a side note - I am feeling better about the cat. We got his ashes home. That was good. I'm glad we did it. The Vet was very confident that it was cancer when J took him in at the end. I am relieved we didn't spend the $1400 on exploratory surgery. What a waste his last days would have been. Miss him terribly. We have got to stop leaving our dark clothing laying around. We each keep thinking it's him. That part is very sad.

What's more said is I miss that little bastard standing on me all night. I miss it all. He was so damn cute.



I loooovee you Charlie Charlie >^..^<

The Story of Charlie Charlie >^..^<

THE STORY OF CHARLIE THE TUXEDO CAT:

Charlie came to us via my fave Aunt, Ria. She lived on the outskirts of the city, near the rougher neighborhoods. Somehow, this little Holstein cat latched on to her, and wormed his way into her life. My aunt had three cats all ready. Her husband - not particularly cat friendly.

She decided this nice boy was too sweet to surrender to the pound. He had a tattoo in his ear, but it was very difficult to decipher. She worked on it while volunteering at the humane society, and finally came up with a string of contacts. He had been passed from owner to owner until he ended up about a 30 minute drive from the city limits. Lived in the country. The problem with him was...he wandered. They decided they would not like him back, and asked her to surrender him to the shelter. She had other ideas. I was a sucker who needed another cat. A cat with a white mustache named Charlie. About the fifth black and white cat in a succession of black and whites in my childhood. But none of them had a mustache. nor did they appear to be wearing a tuxedo.

So we get Charlie home. Home was with my parents...Big J and I were dating, but hadn't moved out yet. Home was not a nice place by any stretch of the imagination. But having this little lover of a cat really helped get me through some very lonely times. He has sopped up more tears with his fur than any stuffed animal I have ever had.

The other cat, Frisco was nasty. He lived for stalking Charlie and biting him in the ass. Oh that cat was just a grouch - he would attack us too. He thought he was the shit. But he was just a big fat bugger and Charlie had his number. When Frisco would chase Charlie, Charlie would run and jump through the stairway rails. And Frisco would get stuck. Othertimes, Charlie would run to the top of the stairs and gracefully land on the thin railing at the top. Frisco would flop right over.

Finally, Big J and I moved out and Charlie got some peace. Young and stuggling, we lived in cheap ass basement suites for the first few years. Poor Charlie longed for window that could open. He was constantly looking out the window, wishing he was "side". When we would take him for walks, at the great risk of looking like complete retards and getting beat up by our neighbors, we'd say "Charlie - wanna go 'side?" and he would come straight to the door and flop over. When he was happy and truly in his element - he was prone to flopping over. Sometimes with hilarious results.

He escaped a lot. I don't know how we never lost him. I remember one time, at the last place I we rented, I thought he was lost to us. I even made up posters...only to find him a couple hours later lost and meowing his ass off at the other end of the complex. What a bastard. And I thought I had cried hard then.

Another time, same place, we didn't realize he had even escaped. Jer and I are sitting watching TV in the dark. There was a very bright 'street light' out front of our condo. The curtains were closed, and we notice this shadow of a cat on the window ledge. I open the window, and start laughing at how closely it looks like our cat...Charlie? Where is Charlie? Oh shit...That is Charlie. He had been out there for hours! We lived by two very busy streets. I can't believe we didn't lose him.

Charlie is the biggest lap slut on the planet. The few times we have had people over, he just goes from lap to lap to lap. Always with the but in the face. And he's not embarrassed to intrude and make an ass of himself. We are all his territory after all.

He likes to ride the office chair. Charlie has this passion for a chair Jer brought into our relationship. It's your everyday student chair, with a tweedy fabric cover. Charlie always liked to jump up on it and pretend to sharpen his claws on the backrest. MDH discovered that he enjoyed it just that much better if you spun the chair. He would actually jump up and wait for you to spin it. Such a funloving cat.

Passionate about rubber bands. I haven't ever heard of this before - but my cat would go gaga over rubbers. Anything rubber, but let us stick with the band story. One time, we had this horrible room mate. Friend of Big J's. His brother (Good kid - told Jeremy I had a nice ass once. Forever in my good books) left his jacket on our couch upstairs, and went downstairs to hang out with his brother. His pockets had holes in them. I came into the livingroom to find my cat completely stuck in the lining of his jacket! The loot? a handful of rubber bands that the coats owner hadn't ever realized were there.

Charlie meowed constantly for wet food - even though we never fed it too him (except for thanksgiving and xmas, cuz it's only fair they get their turkey too!). Man that cat could hear you open a can of soup though. And it you were taking a small plate for a sandwich - he would assume that was for his wet food too. But call him while he was napping - and you would be lucky if he even opened an eye.

He had this heart stopping habit of standing on top of me. He always had to be on me. Jer he could lie beside. Me he had to stand lie or sit on. He loved to stand on my chest while I slept with his little cat face inches from mine. He knew eventually, his caustic breath would cause me to stir. And I would open my eyes, only to be startled half to death. I think he secretly relished being flung through the air.

I'll really miss my little friend. I can think of times when I have been so miserable and desolate, and he would sense it. He'd come along and purr his little heart out, force me to love him. And it's hard to remain feeling so bleak when he would be so damn content. I really believe there are times he saved my life. I wish I could have repaid the favour.

Cheers to a damn fine cat.

>^..^<

Waterworks 'R' Us...

I can't stop crying. My conscience feels HUGE tonight. The weight of the entire fricken world is on my shoulders. It's hard to breathe, and I have a massive migraine. I feel like my arms are compeletely numb. My body is having some sort of phsiological warfare with my nervous sysemt.

Distress. So many thoughts...

Tomorrow, we are putting Charlie down.

I am in emotional crisis zone.

My sister is away.

If I call my beloved Aunt one more time - she is going to bypass code orange completely and move straight from yellow to code red.

All kinds of strange things have popped into my head over the last two day. This cat. My baby.

I didn't take enough pictures of him over the years.
I didn't feed him enough pounce.
I shouldn't have subjected him to a second cat.
I should have paid the $1,400 for an operation.
I never spent the time to capture the essence of what makes him so damn unique.
He's was so cute when he was plump. I wish I had taken more pictures then...
My neice will never remember him.
My mom never got to say good-bye.
I wish I'd taken him outside more - his one big joy in life.
I should have cuddled him more in the last year.
I should have said 'I hate cats' less in the last year. *sometimes you know things are around the corner, and you try to prepare yourself...
I wish he wouldn't look at me with that 'plea' in his eye..like I can fix everything
I hope my husband doesn't hate me for not being present tomorrow.
I wish I didn't feel so evil. selfish. unloving. so guilty.
I wish I could hold him without shaking tonight. Give him comfort.
I wish I could stop having anxiety attacks over this.
I wish it was 6 months from tomorrow..and I had distance and perspective.
Will I remember him the same way in a year?


What a mess. Wishes don't matter. They are worth nothing.

I really haven't had that baby desire come back in a long time. I wonder if it will?

This hurts so bad. The pain is just. Overwhelming.

>^..^<

Something Strange.....

Wow. I had a most bizarre feeling today - I needed my Mom.


I haven't felt that way in a very long time. My mom is not someone you go to for support...She has her own issues that she can't seem to either acknowledge or deal with.

I was driving to a much needed spa appointment and it just slugged me in the gut. I needed my mommy. It was 1pm, so the chances of her being on her way to utter and total inebriation were pretty high. But there I was, driving in my car, feeling the beginning twinges of an anxiety attack coming on - and my instinct to call my mother popped up.

You know, there is some sort of physiological response to hearing you mother's voice. It doesn't matter how much crap has been flung between you in your relationship. When you are low and feeling insecure, and your mom says 'what is wrong'. Man. You can almost see in your mind, the fissures in the emotional damn cracking.

I had decided not to tell her about the cat. It's part of the alcoholism, but my mom is an emotional woman. She can also be a ball buster and will use your emotions over something to get buy in with you. So you don't tell her stuff like that till you are in a place to keep your emotions in check.

But I couldn't help it. This is big. Like all big emotional things in my life, I guess it all just came down to the primal urge to have my mommy hold me and tell me everything is going to be all right.

Right now, I really need that reassurance. Nothing feels safe for me anymore. Nothing. I'm am not one to get depressed. Truly, I believe in finding a shovel and digging your way out of the weeds. I am starting to realize that it's not always easy when the muck of life piles up all at the same time. I wish there was someone like minded as myself to tell me to get over it and get my shit together. I really need a kick in the ass more than anything.

I always remember when my Grampa died. I was devastated. Inconsolable. Just a complete wreck. I couldn't figure out how everyone was getting on with life. I just couldn't see a way out of the depression... Then my uncle Richie, my favourite man in my life (after my husband), said "Lee, You have to let him go kiddo. Don't wallow in it. Let it go - because you need to go on living".

Those words stuck with me...'Don't wallow in it'. Sometimes those words get me through the day, and the week, and the month. In fact, they will probably get me through this extremely crappy year. And certainly, they will get me through December. It was so potent for me, because they were exactly the words I needed to hear at the very exact moment I needed to hear them. He probably doesn't even remember saying them. But they certainly resonated with me. God I love that man.

How do you say goodbye to a loyal companion?

Sad news. I can barely type it. I'm putting my cat down on Tuesday. I've had him since before Jer and I moved in together. This is a very sad time for me.

I really have been trying to get back to my happy place this year, trying to bring 2005 to my will as the year I was going to get back to being happy. Hasn't really happened for me.

There's the baby issues, the job issues and now I have to lose the closest thing I have to a baby...my charlie charlie.

It's really a crazy thing. To get so attached to animals. I have always been an animal lover. Had though I would go into animal health care. Volunteered at the Calgary Humane Society to make sure it was going to be a fit for me. So wasn't. I am just not made of the stuff that lets you put unborn kittens to sleep while they are still in the womb. It just ripped my heart out.

Now I am in this place where I have to put my own special boy down. It's tearing my heart out. I know it's only a cat. I tell myself that over and over. My heart just doesn't seem to be able to get over that fact.

CharlieCharlie. He's been such a joy! Always more than a cat. Almost our baby. Love to sit on the office chair and get spun. Smelly shoe available? Constantly with his head stuck instide and 'flopped' over. Love to lay beside you and straddle our arm while we stroked his chest or stomach. Always offerring up the best view of his ass at the most unopportune moments. (This is how cats say 'I love you'. It's a sign of submissiveness) I'm really going to miss the boy. He's been sick for a couple months now. Big J and I think he's starting to suffer now, and we can't bear to watch it anymore. It's hard to play God and make this decision. It's uncomfortable. Like there is someone standing behind me and pressing down on my shoulders. At night, I feel like someone is standing on my chest. I mean, if I can't deal with a cat - how in the hell do I expect to deal with this stuff as a parent?

Hard to answer. Just need to keep looking within myself.

My aunt thinks I should hold Charlie when they put him down. I can't do it. I just have a running picture of all the animals I've held before...and I know I can't let my Charlie cloud my head and my heart with them. He's special...and I don't want him to be part the anguish I hold from that prior experience. I think Jer is going to do it. I love my husband. He's really taken on the whole load with the cat. I think he resents it a smidge, but does it because he loves me. My inability to be the supporter through this makes me feel like a loser.


My sister is going to have her baby in a few months. It's a boy. I think they have decided on Tyler. I wish they could live next door to me so my life would feel fuller. Full of children. Happier moments.

I'm not even going to discuss work. I have been hating my job for awhile now. Sometimes I think it is seriously going to crush me.

I'M BAAACCCCKK BABY!

~ ToFiNo ~

Ahhhhh...Bliss.

Just got back from Tofino today. What an awesome trip!!!

I'm so relaxed, I think I am going to slip into a coma.

The weather was great. I actually have some colour (Maybe I'm not the whitest 'black' girl Richie's ever seen!). We bombed up and down the island in our RV a bit, but spent most of our time in Tofino. Man. The island has really changed over the years! Tofino has really grown. Not the quaint little town I remember. And someone sent a hollar out to all the hippies in the world - wow. Lots of homeless there, and a good deal of crime as a result. Sad. I loved my Tofino.


Ucluelet has grown too, but it's very clean and nice looking still. Didn't see much in the way of riff raff there. Looked like all the hippies there had grown up and were contributing to the community. Strange to see all the different touristy businesses that have cropped up....

Headed down to Tofino without a camsite reservation....sound familiar Cor? Jeremy couldn't believe it - we got a site at the campground that told us they had no openings over the net! And - we were able to get it until the day we had to head back to.

Spent a day or two in Victoria, had such a blast! Took the harbour taxis, ate fish and chips at Fisherman's Wharf, bought tea at the Empress. It's fabulous tea too! Well of course it is world famous... But seriously, I am an avid Twinnings Earl Grey addict, but the Empress Earl Grey was very aromatic. Quite lovely.


SAW WHALES!!!!

That's right - I got to see my whales! Took a blast on a Zodiac with 'Prince of Whales' from the Victoria Harbour. It was very awe inspiring. I'll never forget it. And I got to share it with my baby to boot!


We didn't pick the Beaz up from the kennel yet, we got in too late so we planned to pick her up on Saturday. I can't wait to see her. We missed her so much. There were so many dogs on the beach in Tofino....We hated not having the Beaz with us. I was so homesick and I missed my puppy. Glad to be back.


We came home today to find the International fireworks competition is on. We were hoping we wouldn't miss it. We are wanting to get into to town and check it out this weekend. We'll see if we can tear ourselves away from our animals.

CHARLIE CHARLIE UPDATE...
Not sure if I mentioned it on the blog previously...my old cat Charlie is very sick. We got him back from the brink and he pretty much maintained his health while we are away. He's not back to normal health though and he lost all the weight he had gained back. He's got a lump on his jaw that has gotten bigger over the past week, so it looks like he needs to go back to the vet.... It so traumatic. He's just such a beautiful loving old cat. How do you decide when you don't spend anymore money on an older pet? He's 15, but could he live to 20? 25? It's hard to play God and make the decision. I am not able to be impartial. Love with my whole heart. I would bankrupt us if the decision was in my hands.

Luckily Big J is going to be the voice of reason. Having pets is rewarding, but it sure is hell when they get sick.

>^..^<

Musings while taking a break....

MEMO FOR TOM CRUISE:


Dude - a big white pearly smile does not make you an intellectual. Pull your head out of your ass before your whole career joins it.

BTW sweetheart - the guy that brings the prettiest girl to the party, then gropes the hell out of her for the world to see: HE'S USUALLY THE BIGGEST CLOSET GAY GUY OUT THERE!


RUN KATIE - RUN!!!




I'M SO TIRED. ~SNORE~


I'm off for my first day in 10. And in that 10 day - there were a few all day stints. I'm exhausted. Everyday, I wonder what the physical symptoms are that these celebrities get hospitalized for.

Seriously - what are they? Have I ever known a real, non celebrity type person to be getting this hospitalization? Why are Michael Jackson, Angelina and Mariah getting this specialized care? What are those bastards doing that allows them treat and the Mayo for being over-worked?

Yeah - I think I need to be gettin myself and agent... ;)

I am taking both my days off this week. Nothing on earth is going to make me leave the house today. It's not a true rest break though - I am working on my beloved human resources course. It's really sucking the life out of all my down time (and I haven't had much of that lately!)

The problem is - I am so physically and mentally exhausted, that I am starting to have trouble actually thinking. I'm serious. I couldn't remember how old I was yesterday. It was there...but pulling it forth was a struggle.

Stretched thin. I need to start saying no...... No thanks I would not like to develop a blankety-blank for you. No thanks, I would not like to be your training store.... No thanks - plate full!

I wonder how that will go over...not comfortable not tackling everything I can get my hands on.

Failure - the real 'F' word...

I've watched my Dad (real Dad) and grandfather go down this path. Do I really want to be them? Arggggg! What kind of role-model am I going to be for my family? Luckily Big J hasn't fallen into the work-a-holic trap.

God I love him. If there were two of us in this house - Big Kaka.


>^..^<

Heaven on Earth

PICTURE ME STROLLIN THE TIDAL POOLS IN TOFINO...

I am going on vacation in a couple weeks. I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!! TOFINO IS MY FAVOURITE PLACE ON THE PLANET!

I went there on the vacation from hell about 8 years ago with my sister and two alcoholics (my mom and step-dad). It was a pretty much a trailer trash vacation, but Tofino was the pearl in the middle made it all worthwhile. All four of us were packed into a Valare (or something similar). The trunk was so full, we were on pins and needles wondering if my s.dad was going to get everything in there each day, and taking bets on who he was going to take down in the process. Just trying to facilitate taking the tent down without a fight breaking out was tough. It was an extremely stressful trip. My step-dad is German with a short fuse and loves to pick fights. My mom - loves to fight so much, you don't even need to participate. My sister and I - just about needed therapy at the end.

There were lot's of fun parts though - like my 18 year old sister spending an hour in the back seat putting make up - just to be considered a '12 and under' once we got to the ferry cashier a few minutes later. Man did I rib her for that! It was truly priceless.

* I am getting the giggles right now remembering her puckering up and putting her coffee bean lipstick on. Teeheeehee!

Big J has arranged an deluxe RV for us, and a kennel with internet feed for the Beaz (Swanky stuff for a dog!). This is a big step for the Big J - he doesn't even come to the Hat with me to visit my family. Way to go Baby!

Cubbie - I'll be thinking about you. I know you love Tofino as much as I do!!!!! I'll take some nice footage on my camera of the tidal pools and the fog rolling out. And the fog horn. God I loved that sound.

And I'll play 'Mom' and re-enact our previous trip with Jer so he really feels the pain we went through. Just kidding.

I AM GOING ON A WHALE WATCHING TRIP THIS TIME THOUGH!!! WOOOHOOOO!

You know what's funny? We don't even have a campsite booked. I'm a pretty big control freak - almost to the point of OCD. So it's odd that I am not freaking out about this. But I couldn't find anything on the net - so I'm winging it. NOTHING IS STOPPING THIS VACATION. NOTTA. ZILCH. AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN. I'm a rather determined girl...



YOU KNOW YOU'RE BURNT OUT WHEN....


I actually put my head down on my desk today and cried my flippin eyes out.

Yes I closed my office door first.

I have been pretty much living at work. It's insane. There are beds there...I might get stuck by a few pins if I tried to sleep in them, but it could happen. If it weren't for Big J and the Beaz, I maybe wouldn't even make it out of the building some days.

If we have to put on one more horse and pony show for a VIP I am seriously going to lose it. It sucks to be number one sometimes. Sigh. To be invisible. Bliss.

I actually crave the days where I didn't have to make the decisions. Where I had 5 managers telling me what to do. No decisions. Ahhh, to get back to that. Hmmm - theres about 35 thousand dollars a year between here and there. Maybe not.

It sucks to have bills to pay. To be a shoeless, dreadlocked coffee swigging hippie in Tofino for the rest of my life. That would be so heavenly.

My legally gun-totin', red-neck, non-coffee indulging husband would go straight bonkers.

He's a good man. He's worth all this and more. No Tofino for me - just a trip every 10 years. Sigh....

>^..^<

Ponderings on a Lovely Day

Had a family packed day today - It was so nice! I had Cubbie time without the Vivinator. Got to see my sister in law (I adore her - the best thing that ever happened to my bro). And my nephew remained calm and happy when I held him, then made smiley faces at me. That was the best part. :)



CARNIVAL OF HORRORS

It's the last day of the Stampede. That truly does deserve a 'Yee Haw'.

I hate the Stampede. It's best seen in the evening. How else will you get the full effect of the Polar Bear Express? Lit up, going backwards, people on the outside squished. Little kids and anorexics struggling to stay inside the car, and best of all, the creepy Carnie yelling "Do you wanna go fas-sssss-t-errrrrrrrrrrrr?!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Ah. Used to be good stuff.


Now it's about thug gangs and weapon fights. I think there were two or three Big J and I witnessed the last year we went. Now we try to avoid it.

Besides, when I worked at the office supply store, we had a Stampede Breakfast every year. I have a fatal fear of clowns. Of course they were consistently in attendance. After one brutally creepy experience, I just began to take holidays that week. In the end, I just started avoiding the gong show all together.

I miss the root bear and corn dog ritual though. I would search the ground to find the biggest meanest honker - and that is the corn dog unit that I would sink my teeth into. That and a vat of mustard. Yummilicious.

SURGICAL ESCAPADES....

Had some exploratory fertility surgery - good news! Girlfriend is good to go. Now all we have to do is win the lottery and buy some sperm...

Now my only worry is the festering smelly belly button. They should really warn you about that before hand. It's - Oh - about a million trillion more times worse than the smelliest feet you've ever encountered. Noxious stuff man.




BRO....

Okay, I am the last one in the world to use the 'poor _____' line. But sometimes a person just gets too much change on their plate. I look and my brother and his little piece of the world is so fragile right now. I'm nervous for him. He's a big boy, and I know consistently strives to make the right decisions. Sometimes your childhood baggage makes it awkward and frustrating to go forward in relationships. I don't want to see that happen to my brother. I feel horrible because I really haven't been there for him since he came back. We've both been working ourselves to death, letting our lives pass us by. I am going to make an effort to be available in case he needs me. I always tell my siblings - it's us three against the world. At the end of the day - we have to have each other's backs. And backsides.


Dad turned up at Cubbie's house today. He was very quiet at first. I beaked off about him not helping us with our deck after promising. I think it got relayed to him, which doesn't bother me. What does bother me is that I shouldn't have put it out there. Don't put onto other what you should suck up and tackle yourself. I felt bad after I had said it. Can't take it back. I really didn't want his help anyway - I don't know why I got so flippin' bent over it.

My bro said I should pay him, then he would be sure to show up. That really pissed me off. Especially as I had just finished paying off my braces - which I hold a grudge over, as it was the one thing he could have got off his ass and paid for in my child or adulthood. Anyway - you shouldn't have to beg your Dad to deliver for you. Especially when he has been telling you all your adult life that he regrets not being there for us as children. At the end of the day - you gotta be a man and live by your word. Don't put it out there if you can't see it through. Especially with me - it took along time for me to come to terms with him. He knows I don't get over things easily.

Errrggg!!! All talk. Just like his father before him. Only gets off his duff to help my brother. Pisses me off, but it's who he is. All I can do is accept it, or move along.

I've come to the conclusion that I am my own best father figure.

Hopefully my brother doesn't fuck it up for his child. Not off to a great start though....



ON A BRIGHTER NOTE...

I came to a conclusion today which almost moved my Dad to tears. I think the way he approached us as children helped to mould us into the conscientious individuals we are today. I had the least interactions with him, but he would engage me in adult conversations, and ask about my feelings, and get me thinking about my motivations. The would stick with me for a long time. Mostly because my experiences with him were so infrequent. I thanked him for that today. I think he was surprised. Surprised that I would think his clumsy, stilted attempts at communicating with his children was actually beneficial. I know somewhere in that man is a guy that deeply regrets not being the playful, soccer coach, cub scout leader dad type. I hope it made him feel better about his place in our development.

Now if only that bugger had showed up to build my freakin deck.....

BrAcE fAcE HaS lEfT tHe bUiLdIng!!!!!!

Guess who got the hardware removed....MEEEEE!

Ahhhh, finally the freedom off not having to worry about popcorn kernels stuck in my metal gear. Whooops. I wasn't supposed to be eating popcorn. But I did anyway. Why? 'Cuz there was no freakin way this cat was going 18 months without my munchie of choice!

Popcorn never hurt a thing. The orthodontist and his gang of tech chicks never even knew about it. And they kept commenting on how clean my braces were. Wow. I think they were actually robots because I didn't even floss. Twice at the beginning and then I was done for ever. Ssssshhhh! It's a secret.

Poster girl for othordontic patients I am not.

I ate apples too. Had to cut them though, because I couldn't bite into them, the braces got in the way. Which reminds me - I finally got to bite Big J! I had no idea how much I had missed that! See....Now he'll have to think twice before burning me while we're out driving. Heheheheh. One wrong move and you'll have the ring of teeth -
perfect ring of teeth - on your arm suckah! whoooaaaaaaahhhhahaaahaaah!

Okay. Enough freaking you out with my twisted sense of humour. I have to get to work on my online coarses. I mean 'courses'. It just started and I am all ready behind. Time to catch up. Too bad I left my damn textbook at work. We'll see what I can get accomplished...


>^..^<

Removed Posts - We are Gloom Free! FREEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

I decided to remove my recent posts from April 22nd thru May.

They really didn't fit in with where I wanted this blog to go...so they are moved to their own separate blog now.

A home fit for the rantings of an infertile Arocat. A place to vent when the ticking of the clock gets to sound a bit Gongy.

A place where my family doesn't have to visit and worry about my mental health. ;)

I'm feeling good now. I'm a tough chick really. But I need to vent about this infertility stuff - and that's my place to do it. So read it if you dare - but no freaking out over it anymore. Promise?

The move works for me. I really don't want to revist the infertile black hole when I'm in my happy place, and those posts were annoying me. Like an ugly wart on my blogspot as it were.

Now I can come back here and write my free association blathering at whim. Ahhhhh, the good stuff. Well maybe it's not exactly good stuff, but hopefully it's at least mildly amusing at time. It is for me. I'm a total nut who laughs at my own rants. Maybe we should be inquiring after my mental health...


>^..^<

TADA - THE METAL GEAR IS PAID FOR!!!!!!

Fanfare please....


I AM PLEASED TO ANNOUNCED THAT WE HAVE MADE THE FINAL PAYMENT ON MY BRACES TODAY!!!!!

NOW THAT TRULY IS FREEDOM FOLKS.

Actually - the freedom will be on the 22nd when the damn braces come off. I can't wait. Now how many times is Big J gonna have to tackle me and make me wear my retainers?

Hmmmm...the tackling might be fun! Maybe this will be a fun game ;)

Babe...can I have a $225 increase to my monthly allowance now?


>^..^<

New Nephew and Sad Memories

Yay...I finally met my new nephew!!! He's so beautiful! He has this perfect little round head and expressive face. I just melted when I finally got to hold him. Whatevery circumstances that brought him along into our lives - worth it.

My bro and his girlfriend 'T' were having some tough times when he found out he was going to be a Dad...so it's been a challenge for him. I think he's doing really well though. He really is a natural at it.


My siblings, their two offspring, Big J, 'T' and I went to my Dad's for dinner yesterday. The drive there really made me feel sad. It reminded me of how pissed I was at my parents for a long time. My bro's girlfriend hitched a ride with Big J and I out there. She wanted to know more about my Dad, and why Spiff is the way he is. It's so hard to unearth our shitty childhood. Is there shittier out there? Yeah. But I look at how beautiful my brother and sister were when they were little, and see the damage done to them and it just breaks my heart.

I always get pissed at my family for saying 'poor Spiff' and telling me that my sister and I never had it as bad as him. It enrages me because we really did. My sister went through personal hell with our step dad, that my mother buried for most of our lives. I went through shit...I mean it was all bad. I tried to help Jeff, but he was just constantly self absorbed and more into being a fuck up that facing responsibility. That put a pretty major rift in our relationship. But Spiff and I were so close when we were little. I would beg them to hit me and spare him when my parents were on a beatin' spree. Where did it all go wrong? I have to say I still blame my Dad.


Talking to T about it yesterday really dredged up all my anger about the whole thing. Then we were pulling out pictures from when we were little. It was so cool to see them, but as I was looking at our little faces, I knew those were some of the most painful times of our lives. It was kind of surreal. There were some pictures that Patty offered that I could take and copy. I just couldn't do it. Those times and experiences should stay where they are. Buried.

Somethings are just too painful to rehash.

Thinking about that and sobbing away isn't something I want to make a habit of..

>^..^<

Duran Duran = SwAg - Yippee!!!

So I finally lived out my life long dream. Well not life long exactly - I was born in the 70's and hatched the dream in the 80's. But it was a very ENOURMOUS dream nonetheless.

I finally got to see my favourite all time band in concert. AND IT ROCKED!!! It was so exciting. I went. I had the best tasting hot dog I've ever had in my life. I drank a lovely tasting beer. I bought a great deal of concert swag (Not one - but TWO tee's and some other product) and I danced my freakin ass off!

I actually participated in a radio contest trying to get better tickets...which leads to a funny story that I will relate another time...

The concert was really good. Wish I had seen them in their heyday, but it was entertaining nonetheless. I thought they were coasting a bit - not a great deal of energy except from Simon. I used to be in love with John (just like every boys girlfriend in the 80's) but I have to say - he didn't play up to the audience much. Kind of a dissapointment. It was cool that all the original members were there though.

It was fun to sing and dance to all the faves. I have to say it was tops for me, just because I had dreamed about it so repeadtedly in my teams. Many a sweaty dream was based around going to a D2 concert....I won't go there. Some things should stay repressed.

I have seen some good concerts in the past few years...but the top two on sheer entertainment value are Ricky Martin and Garth Brooks. They both put on quite the production.

The Peppers and Metallica were next. I have to say that the opening bands for both were extremely brutal. Why do they bother????? Let's just have the band. Maybe some big beach balls and some dancers...1/2 price drinks. I mean - it doesn't take a bunch of half asses crappy musicians to make the crowd happenin. In fact, we were pretty happenin at the Peppers concert - and that was just the 2nd hand smoke.

I really have to mention the demographics at the D2 concert. It was pretty much middle aged girl, middle aged boy....and when they were singing you could look around the concert bowl and see: dancin, sitting, dancing, sitting.

I'm a meanie though. I made Big J stand. He didn't have to dance, but he had to stand with me. He had this cute blonde 40 yr old on the other side of him in a pink leather 'Barbie' jacket. She was just a groovin! and let me tell you - this sister was devestated when they took their break. She thought they were done was freakin out that they hadn't played 'Girls on Film'.

I talked her down, they came back and played it. All was well. You don't want to be pissin off the middle aged women. I've learned that working at my day job. If nothing else, I've learned that. =)

Now I need to go choose the concert tee to wear to bed, so if you'll excuse me...


>^..^<

KARMA IS SWEEEEET!!!

Have you ever had one of those moments when your are driving and some bastard is totally on your tail? And you think "WHAT AN ASS!" Then the idiot finally gets in front of you and speeds off into the distance, and you think: I HOPE THERE'S A COP UP THERE.

Well that happened to me the other day. AND THERE WAS INDEED A COP UP THERE!

This jerk was on me all the way into town, and when the lane finally doubled he/she (couldn't actually tell which it was...) pulled up beside me at the light. I knew the he/she was going to blow off the line on the green light, and I thought: whatever!

Obviously in a hurry, and had a zen for suicide. Off you go then sparky!

So the light turns and he/she peels off. The speed limit is 70, I'm doing 70.

The village idiot however is doing well over 120 as they race off over the horizon.

I think to myself, " Hmmm. I hope there's a damn cop up there..."

IT WAS GLORIOUS!!! Just as I got the the hill, I got to see the cop flip his car lights on and chase 'Speedy Gonzolas' to pull the he/she over. Ooooh, I wanted to smile and wave as I went by! The cop was just getting to the window though, and I chickened out. Damn. It was pretty satisfying however. That completely ROCKED!!!

Did I mention our speed demon was driving a ratty blue minivan? Wow buddy.
Dare to be Earnhardt.


>^..^<

I'M BARFILICIOUS...THANKS FOR ASKING

uGhHhHh. I'm not feeling well.
The flu has completely taken over my body. The bastard!!!

I really wanted to get the damn flu shot. I thought I had lots of time, since we had a plethora of vaccine. Then I read in the paper that we were out...and it was reserved for high risk people only. So I thought I was out'ta luck and didn't bother. Then my Sister tells me yesterday that they found more and changed their tune 2 weeks later. See - sometimes my lack of following current news events bites me in the ass.

She also mentioned that they will still give it to you when they say crap like that in the media - so go the the clinic and get it if you want it. Cuz you don't want this.

How It All Came Up

I woke up at 6am on Saturday - and knew it was inevitable. I was going to hurl. Off I ran to the kitchen sink (Okay...I know it's weird. But think if it: Who seriously wants to hang their lips where they 'do their business'. I'm just sayin.) Seriously, it was a marathon of puking, running water, running the garborator, washing my mouth out, asking Big J for a tissue, asking again for a tissue ( how many times has this man held my hair for me, doesn't he know the routine by now?) , lying back down, getting back up to barf, racing to the sink...I'm sure you get the picture.

I might add that I was having a very beautiful dream about warm weather, sombreros, natchos and I think I was on a boat eating burritos. I think maybe my dream was trying to tell me something...

Anyhoo...you know when you are vomiting, and your stomach has nothing left to give, but you just keep heaving and heaving until you think either a) your stomach muscles are going to pop off, b) your ribs are going to crack c) you are going to suffocate because you can't breathe? That is what was going on. I hate that moment - it's such a total panic!

The problem is I had to work on Saturday, and at the rate I was going it just wasn't going to happen. I HATE BEING SICK. I HATE CALLING IN SICK TO WORK MORE. After 6 hours of vomiting and not holding down fluids, you really shouldn't be going in and running a business however. Just as well, I was running the show on my own two days following - so I'm glad I rested up as much as possible. And hey, well worth it - I was able to keep down ice chips, some gatorade and two crackers by the end of the evening. What a star.

I did make Big J drag me down to the fake hospital (no admitting, small emgergency). They made the panic even worse by suggesting I was having appendicitis and needed an operation...A bit alarmist I thought. Then of course they requested the pee in the cup trick. I'm like lady...I haven't had any fluids in 6 hours. I can give you what I don't got. They didn't do anything for me, but wouldn't let me leave till I could hold down ice chips. Very nurturing.

I was hoping for a shot of Gravol at least so I could go home and sleep without the puking part. I so got gypped!

>^..^<

COMMENTS FROM THE PEANUT GALLERY?

Hmmmm....When I initially started this blog, I wondered if someone out there was going to stumble across it and begin commenting on my rambling. I was worried about how I would feel if someone attacked what I wrote, because this is all just in fun for me. Just personal blatherings. An outlet.

No comments came though, and I felt more relaxed about keeping this page public.

I really like perusing the public blogs of others. My favourites are like mine - personal views, Rants about life, Hi 5's over things gone right. Down to earth.

I like to comment on the blogs of others where I feel a personal affinity with what the person has experienced or expressed - but I always keep it positive. I figure their blog is like their diary - they are entitled to their opinion without retribution. Unless they have invited others to express their thoughts opposing or no, then that would be different.

Then I stumbled on something interesting the other day. Apparently you could only comment on the 'Blogger' blogs if you had a 'Blogger' account. Ohhhh.....

Well the few people I know that enjoy my insane rantings are not bloggers themselves, so that would have excluded them for sure. And maybe others. Who knows.

Now Blogger has changed that, and anyone can comment on the blogs. Well that's the way it should be. If you don't want your page public, you can hide it away.

I'm still sticking with it out there. After all if you don't like my page, you can always click to the next one...

THAT MY FRIEND IS A GOOD POINT...

I admit it. I was watching that tripe show yesterday 'Extreme Makeover'. I always get sucked in, thinking it's the one about the houses they do an extreme makeover on. Then I flip to it, and it's got some plastic surgeon pulling some guys huge nose off his face. "...and in my hands, I have Jim's enormous schnoz. Now I am going to hand it over to Dr. Geppetto, and he will whittle it down to a much more appropriate size..."

It's one of those things that you're repulsed, but you wanna look - because the Bio freak in you won't turn away from the massacre taking place on the screen. Twisted.

So when I watch these shows...the whole time I am thinking about how messed up these people's priorities are. What is wrong with them? Get a spine, grow some self esteem. I mean, it's really just sad. It never leaves me with a warm fuzzy thing going on.

Yesterday though, I laughed my ass off. They had this couple going through the process, and she was some nerdy school teacher, and the guy - well who cares. He really doesn't factor into the funny part. Anyway...the teacher gets this done and the parents from the school she teaches at freak out! They are like: "What kind of message is she sending to our teenage children, they are all ready facing self esteem issues. What statement is she trying to make to them?" Etc....But the funny part is when they start interviewing the kids. Some of them were just grossed out that their band teacher was showing everyone how saggy her boobs were on national television. But one boy...he nailed the whole issue with this show. He pretty much didn't care, but his burning question was "What are they going to say to their kids? I mean, they are going to say 'Yeah, we used to look like that, but we got plastic surgery so we wouldn't have to anymore. Too bad for you though...'

And that folks is exactly it!!! What are these people trying to say to their kids - who are stuck with the looks they are trying to erase? It's a pretty twisted message. I thought it was quite poignant of that teenage boy to pick up on the irony of it.

SOMEBODY STOLE MY THUNDER....AND THOSE DAMN GENES ARE ZIPPED UP WRONG

MY ACHEY BREAKY EVERYTHING

I'm fighting the flu. I have been for three weeks. I just wish the damn thing would come on full blast and get it over with all ready!

First it was the huge bulging lymph node behind my ear, followed by a migraine that takes up residence in half my skull, then chest muscle pain followed by the sore throat, general achiness and nausea. JOY!!!

I've been taking COLD-fx for the past few weeks. It's a good product. Actually, I think it's a great product. The problems lies in the dosing instructions. I am the worst person for taking pills. And anyone who's taken the huge ginseng capsules will totally sympathize - because those things are horse pills. Huge! and so are my cold-fx capsules. So you start off...3 capsules 3 times a day, then 2 three times / day and finally 1 x3 /day.

Well I suck at that. Here's how I manage to implement it...3 in the morning of the first day...followed by 3 the next morning followed by jumping out of bed at midnight to take 2 more and then none the next day and on day four...I really planned to take some but morning turned to noon and then I forgot entirely. I did remember to take the Herbal crack to Edmonton, where I did take 3 capsules before bed. Then I left them in my suitcase and have been forgetting them eversince. I really gotta get them back out of there!

Let's hope I get back on the doping and kick this damn bug. This girl's gonna get pretty cranky if this continues much longer...

Hey Cor: did you know the word for snott is 'Coryza'?

THE CASE OF THE MISS-ZIPPED GENES

Soooo...I got some major major bad news yesterday. At work. The worst place to receive bad news is at work right? At least now I have my own office and could close the door and cry in peace... So the fertility specialist calls and tells me that Big J's genes are all zipped up wrong and he has a condition called a balanced translocation. What's that? Not a bio freak? Well here's a site that has a pretty good explanation - and the dancing DNA pretty much answers all the questions:

Dancing DNA site

It just doesn't sound good folks. It's looking like we are going to need to proceed to plans xy or z. Hmmm...we are clearly running out of options here!

I really don't want to get all emotional here - but I know I've got a bit of a wall up over this. Sometimes it looks like a rock, but it's not a rock. It's mushy inside with a hard exoskeleton. So I might seem like I'm not reacting or feeling it all. I am though. It's just the way I cope - so hopefully those that love me aren't getting freaked out. The point I wanted to get to though...well I just want to say that I have the best damn sister in the planet. You know when you are at your lowest - and there's that person who shines some light back into your perspective, and you can't begin to express your gratitude? ..Well she was that person for me today. And although I was far too fluey and heartbroken to fully show my appreciation - she really made me feel less hopeless. And I want to thank her here publicly for the gift. For the option. I really love you Cor!!! Y And I thank our husbands for understanding the bond between us, and being so supportive of how we support each other.

Now onto some FUNNY!

Have you guys seen the new Walmart commercials? The cheeky ones about their new 'George' line of clothing? Well I just love the new one!!! It's got the guys waking up, realizing someone has stolen all their clothing and running around in their boxers trying to find it. La piece de la resistance however is the background music: Somebody Stole my Thunder.

Seriously - it's hilarious!!!
I giggle everytime I see the thing. I hum the song in the car. I sing it to the Beaze. My husband thinks I'm nuts.

SURVIVOR - IT'S BACK ON!!! YAYAYAYAYAAYYYYYYY!!!!!!

I'm so excited for suvivor. We are running a pool at work. I love survivor pools. (The more people sucked into my little reality TV obsession the better.) We're doing our draw for the pool tomorrow - Here's hoping for a good pick! It's so much better when you have a personal stake in how a competitor plays the game. Makes for lots and lots of screaming and ranting at the TV...

Hmmmm. Let's hope nobody ever gets any footage of that.

So the beginning was really fun! I like the way the started it. My gut was just wrenching. I totally hated picking teams in school!!! The one or two times I was left to last scarred me for life. You could see those same scars on the faces of those people as the group got whittled down. So sad!

I loved Tom at first - sexy, nice... accent and a fire fighter! What wasn't to love? I was totally digging him! Then when he was all for going to a new island and building new shelter - I was like "What the hell!? Have you watched this show before buddy!?" Now that their group has lost fire in the process...I'm thinking some of his teamates are going to be on my page too....

So much for a sexy accent. Bye bye Tom! It was nice while it lasted...

For those who are interested...
Here's the Survivor Palau line up