Sad news. I can barely type it. I'm putting my cat down on Tuesday. I've had him since before Jer and I moved in together. This is a very sad time for me.
I really have been trying to get back to my happy place this year, trying to bring 2005 to my will as the year I was going to get back to being happy. Hasn't really happened for me.
There's the baby issues, the job issues and now I have to lose the closest thing I have to a baby...my charlie charlie.
It's really a crazy thing. To get so attached to animals. I have always been an animal lover. Had though I would go into animal health care. Volunteered at the Calgary Humane Society to make sure it was going to be a fit for me. So wasn't. I am just not made of the stuff that lets you put unborn kittens to sleep while they are still in the womb. It just ripped my heart out.
Now I am in this place where I have to put my own special boy down. It's tearing my heart out. I know it's only a cat. I tell myself that over and over. My heart just doesn't seem to be able to get over that fact.
CharlieCharlie. He's been such a joy! Always more than a cat. Almost our baby. Love to sit on the office chair and get spun. Smelly shoe available? Constantly with his head stuck instide and 'flopped' over. Love to lay beside you and straddle our arm while we stroked his chest or stomach. Always offerring up the best view of his ass at the most unopportune moments. (This is how cats say 'I love you'. It's a sign of submissiveness) I'm really going to miss the boy. He's been sick for a couple months now. Big J and I think he's starting to suffer now, and we can't bear to watch it anymore. It's hard to play God and make this decision. It's uncomfortable. Like there is someone standing behind me and pressing down on my shoulders. At night, I feel like someone is standing on my chest. I mean, if I can't deal with a cat - how in the hell do I expect to deal with this stuff as a parent?
Hard to answer. Just need to keep looking within myself.
My aunt thinks I should hold Charlie when they put him down. I can't do it. I just have a running picture of all the animals I've held before...and I know I can't let my Charlie cloud my head and my heart with them. He's special...and I don't want him to be part the anguish I hold from that prior experience. I think Jer is going to do it. I love my husband. He's really taken on the whole load with the cat. I think he resents it a smidge, but does it because he loves me. My inability to be the supporter through this makes me feel like a loser.
My sister is going to have her baby in a few months. It's a boy. I think they have decided on Tyler. I wish they could live next door to me so my life would feel fuller. Full of children. Happier moments.
I'm not even going to discuss work. I have been hating my job for awhile now. Sometimes I think it is seriously going to crush me.
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