Something Strange.....

Wow. I had a most bizarre feeling today - I needed my Mom.


I haven't felt that way in a very long time. My mom is not someone you go to for support...She has her own issues that she can't seem to either acknowledge or deal with.

I was driving to a much needed spa appointment and it just slugged me in the gut. I needed my mommy. It was 1pm, so the chances of her being on her way to utter and total inebriation were pretty high. But there I was, driving in my car, feeling the beginning twinges of an anxiety attack coming on - and my instinct to call my mother popped up.

You know, there is some sort of physiological response to hearing you mother's voice. It doesn't matter how much crap has been flung between you in your relationship. When you are low and feeling insecure, and your mom says 'what is wrong'. Man. You can almost see in your mind, the fissures in the emotional damn cracking.

I had decided not to tell her about the cat. It's part of the alcoholism, but my mom is an emotional woman. She can also be a ball buster and will use your emotions over something to get buy in with you. So you don't tell her stuff like that till you are in a place to keep your emotions in check.

But I couldn't help it. This is big. Like all big emotional things in my life, I guess it all just came down to the primal urge to have my mommy hold me and tell me everything is going to be all right.

Right now, I really need that reassurance. Nothing feels safe for me anymore. Nothing. I'm am not one to get depressed. Truly, I believe in finding a shovel and digging your way out of the weeds. I am starting to realize that it's not always easy when the muck of life piles up all at the same time. I wish there was someone like minded as myself to tell me to get over it and get my shit together. I really need a kick in the ass more than anything.

I always remember when my Grampa died. I was devastated. Inconsolable. Just a complete wreck. I couldn't figure out how everyone was getting on with life. I just couldn't see a way out of the depression... Then my uncle Richie, my favourite man in my life (after my husband), said "Lee, You have to let him go kiddo. Don't wallow in it. Let it go - because you need to go on living".

Those words stuck with me...'Don't wallow in it'. Sometimes those words get me through the day, and the week, and the month. In fact, they will probably get me through this extremely crappy year. And certainly, they will get me through December. It was so potent for me, because they were exactly the words I needed to hear at the very exact moment I needed to hear them. He probably doesn't even remember saying them. But they certainly resonated with me. God I love that man.