Ponderings on a Lovely Day

Had a family packed day today - It was so nice! I had Cubbie time without the Vivinator. Got to see my sister in law (I adore her - the best thing that ever happened to my bro). And my nephew remained calm and happy when I held him, then made smiley faces at me. That was the best part. :)



CARNIVAL OF HORRORS

It's the last day of the Stampede. That truly does deserve a 'Yee Haw'.

I hate the Stampede. It's best seen in the evening. How else will you get the full effect of the Polar Bear Express? Lit up, going backwards, people on the outside squished. Little kids and anorexics struggling to stay inside the car, and best of all, the creepy Carnie yelling "Do you wanna go fas-sssss-t-errrrrrrrrrrrr?!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Ah. Used to be good stuff.


Now it's about thug gangs and weapon fights. I think there were two or three Big J and I witnessed the last year we went. Now we try to avoid it.

Besides, when I worked at the office supply store, we had a Stampede Breakfast every year. I have a fatal fear of clowns. Of course they were consistently in attendance. After one brutally creepy experience, I just began to take holidays that week. In the end, I just started avoiding the gong show all together.

I miss the root bear and corn dog ritual though. I would search the ground to find the biggest meanest honker - and that is the corn dog unit that I would sink my teeth into. That and a vat of mustard. Yummilicious.

SURGICAL ESCAPADES....

Had some exploratory fertility surgery - good news! Girlfriend is good to go. Now all we have to do is win the lottery and buy some sperm...

Now my only worry is the festering smelly belly button. They should really warn you about that before hand. It's - Oh - about a million trillion more times worse than the smelliest feet you've ever encountered. Noxious stuff man.




BRO....

Okay, I am the last one in the world to use the 'poor _____' line. But sometimes a person just gets too much change on their plate. I look and my brother and his little piece of the world is so fragile right now. I'm nervous for him. He's a big boy, and I know consistently strives to make the right decisions. Sometimes your childhood baggage makes it awkward and frustrating to go forward in relationships. I don't want to see that happen to my brother. I feel horrible because I really haven't been there for him since he came back. We've both been working ourselves to death, letting our lives pass us by. I am going to make an effort to be available in case he needs me. I always tell my siblings - it's us three against the world. At the end of the day - we have to have each other's backs. And backsides.


Dad turned up at Cubbie's house today. He was very quiet at first. I beaked off about him not helping us with our deck after promising. I think it got relayed to him, which doesn't bother me. What does bother me is that I shouldn't have put it out there. Don't put onto other what you should suck up and tackle yourself. I felt bad after I had said it. Can't take it back. I really didn't want his help anyway - I don't know why I got so flippin' bent over it.

My bro said I should pay him, then he would be sure to show up. That really pissed me off. Especially as I had just finished paying off my braces - which I hold a grudge over, as it was the one thing he could have got off his ass and paid for in my child or adulthood. Anyway - you shouldn't have to beg your Dad to deliver for you. Especially when he has been telling you all your adult life that he regrets not being there for us as children. At the end of the day - you gotta be a man and live by your word. Don't put it out there if you can't see it through. Especially with me - it took along time for me to come to terms with him. He knows I don't get over things easily.

Errrggg!!! All talk. Just like his father before him. Only gets off his duff to help my brother. Pisses me off, but it's who he is. All I can do is accept it, or move along.

I've come to the conclusion that I am my own best father figure.

Hopefully my brother doesn't fuck it up for his child. Not off to a great start though....



ON A BRIGHTER NOTE...

I came to a conclusion today which almost moved my Dad to tears. I think the way he approached us as children helped to mould us into the conscientious individuals we are today. I had the least interactions with him, but he would engage me in adult conversations, and ask about my feelings, and get me thinking about my motivations. The would stick with me for a long time. Mostly because my experiences with him were so infrequent. I thanked him for that today. I think he was surprised. Surprised that I would think his clumsy, stilted attempts at communicating with his children was actually beneficial. I know somewhere in that man is a guy that deeply regrets not being the playful, soccer coach, cub scout leader dad type. I hope it made him feel better about his place in our development.

Now if only that bugger had showed up to build my freakin deck.....