New Nephew and Sad Memories

Yay...I finally met my new nephew!!! He's so beautiful! He has this perfect little round head and expressive face. I just melted when I finally got to hold him. Whatevery circumstances that brought him along into our lives - worth it.

My bro and his girlfriend 'T' were having some tough times when he found out he was going to be a Dad...so it's been a challenge for him. I think he's doing really well though. He really is a natural at it.


My siblings, their two offspring, Big J, 'T' and I went to my Dad's for dinner yesterday. The drive there really made me feel sad. It reminded me of how pissed I was at my parents for a long time. My bro's girlfriend hitched a ride with Big J and I out there. She wanted to know more about my Dad, and why Spiff is the way he is. It's so hard to unearth our shitty childhood. Is there shittier out there? Yeah. But I look at how beautiful my brother and sister were when they were little, and see the damage done to them and it just breaks my heart.

I always get pissed at my family for saying 'poor Spiff' and telling me that my sister and I never had it as bad as him. It enrages me because we really did. My sister went through personal hell with our step dad, that my mother buried for most of our lives. I went through shit...I mean it was all bad. I tried to help Jeff, but he was just constantly self absorbed and more into being a fuck up that facing responsibility. That put a pretty major rift in our relationship. But Spiff and I were so close when we were little. I would beg them to hit me and spare him when my parents were on a beatin' spree. Where did it all go wrong? I have to say I still blame my Dad.


Talking to T about it yesterday really dredged up all my anger about the whole thing. Then we were pulling out pictures from when we were little. It was so cool to see them, but as I was looking at our little faces, I knew those were some of the most painful times of our lives. It was kind of surreal. There were some pictures that Patty offered that I could take and copy. I just couldn't do it. Those times and experiences should stay where they are. Buried.

Somethings are just too painful to rehash.

Thinking about that and sobbing away isn't something I want to make a habit of..

>^..^<